Elmo asks: "Who wants to die?"

For real. Elmo asked it.

Which just goes to show that the truly bizarre stuff just cannot be made up.

I don't need a reason

The panda hat made it to the front-page of this Sunday's paper. And just so it wouldn't feel alone me, Sam (the other Sam), Mary, and Jessica accompanied it. But, in all sadness, no Ross or Caitlyn. But, yes, front page, full color, pixelated geek glory. Not to mention we now have photographic proof that we do indeed look stuff up in the books (rather than make it all up like we've been accused by other *ahem* serious gamers).

It is sharing time!

Every once in a while a story comes across my desk that brings a tear to my eye....this is not it.

Nay, this story is touching, if only in it's own special way. A story of a band with a dream, a marketing dream. A plan to spread the ickyness across the land. A band following in the footsteps of the mighty Spinal Tap except, you know, in real life and all.

The band? Why the mighty

Gwar!

Kavitha Chekuru reports:

GWAR has found a new way of waking the maggot which will set them free from their imprisonment on our disgusting planet Earth: action figures. Oh yes, action figures. I mean, if My Chemical Romance, Ghostface, and the Coctails already have ‘em, what's taken GWAR so frickin long?

The company Shocker Toys has announced that they have acquired the rights to make cute little dollys out of the gross-out metal band. The set will include tiny versions of members Oderus Urungus, Flattus Maximus, Beefcake the Mighty, Jizmak Da Gusha, and Balsac the Jaws of Death. Perfect for your seven-year-old nephew or niece.

Set for release this summer in specialty stores and mass retailers, the company will make the action figures in their signature Shockini form: little blocks with sturdy joints and a lot of movement; 18 points of articulation to be exact, so the figurines got moves like you wouldn't believe. We wouldn't expect anything less from GWAR, honestly.

The toys will be available as six-to-eight-inch fully sculpted figures of the band as well as shrunk down, three-inch versions. And at $15 a pop, they offer much more bang for your buck than those $65 Glenn Danzig jobs from Medicom toys. C'mon, cheap dolls of interplanetary warriors or expensive yelling tiny man? No contest.

The GWAR dolls will come with "murderous accessories" and a GWAR comic book. You have nothing to lose in this buy. Except your life. Because obviously these toys will come alive, rock your head off, and then eat the rest of you.

And at the "Official Cyber-Fortress of Your Lords and Masters" (no, you don't want to click on that link) we can follow the thoughts of these brash musical leaders who spawned from a lugubrious pit of doomy-doom. After 20 years of being at GWAR they should have lots of thoughts to share - lets look at their band blogs.

Ah, here is a gem (for fun, read this in Invader Zim's voice - or if you don't know who Zim is (FOR SHAME!) shoot for reading it in Foamy the Squirrel's voice):

Regardless of how much utter contempt I have for you pukes, the majority of GWAR has spoken and behold (as petty as it may be) the overdue Cyber-Fortress of your Lords and Masters ! !
Feast on the limitless knowledge that your puny, under developed mind craves...and feel free to ask what you will, you just may warrant a reply, but probably not so don't hold your breath !
Oh wait, where was I...ah yes, I HATE YOU ALL ! !

Wasn't that a treat, boys and girls.

I actually have the dubious honor of being able to say that I have experienced the dark, loud, bizarre theatrical experience that is GWAR. I have no plans to ever do that again, once was enough. Really. But still I can say that indeed (cue patriotic music) I have been there and I have done that.

He who laughs last didn't get it

It was so much fun seeing everyone over break - and that had to be the best game of D&D. Ever. And lest the questioned existence of certain black and white characters continue, I give you....

Polite Panda!!

That was fun.

Well, the headaches are gone, the medication is over, and I am back at life. Well, except for the major rain/ice storm outside right now. That rather sucks.

Otherwise, the monologue rehearsals are taking off with little hitch, of course, hitchless is out of the question, but nothing I can't deal with.

Mostly, I'm just not finding myself in the mood to share much. So instead links of fun.

And links of minor ranting...it cracks me up when I hear little kids speak of their blogs as a type of consequence free zone. Lines like "Well, I was mad at her and so I was "honest" on my blog and now she's all mad at me because of what I said about her and that's not fair because I can say whatever I want. It's my blog." (and don't forget to add a pout and a foot stamp at the end of it for emphasis) Well, now schools are getting into the act of saying teens don't really know the consequences of their postings and that some of their blogs may well affect their personal and academic lives. Once again, I think this boils down to teens not understanding basic internet safety - and given how few adults know anything about it, I can't fault the kids completely.

This is hilarious. Really. I hope you are all familiar with some of those handy dictionary pronunciation audio clips - they've settled many an argument over how something should be pronounced. Anyway, someone came up with the bright idea of taking those dictionary audio clips, recording words of song lyrics and putting them to music. The result: Dictionaraoke!

Keifer Sutherland in a bizarre Japanese commercial reminiscent of "24". Yep.

Nooooo!! Not the hedgehogs!!

Really bad jobs. I've been meaning to come back here and spend some more time. So, I figure I'll stick it here and remember.

Q: If Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman wrote a sequel to Good Omens what would it be called?
A: "668 The Neighbor of the Beast".

Aziraphel's and Crowley's New Years Resolutions. And, no, better sense did not win out and I ended up ordering the new two book version special edition of Good Omens for myself. And while I'm at it, the official Neil Gaiman store. YAYAY!

What I've been reading: Hey! Now I can post some of the reviews I've written. Except, if I were free to write the reviews the way I want, they wouldn't read like this, but I literally have a check-list of what I need to address in as few words as possible. Now keep in mind, this is a first draft of a review of two books I didn't particularly like, these are the not the final versions I'll be submitting. (And I can post here because it's not like I'm being paid for them)

The Counterfeit Princess by Jane Resh Thomas Ages 11 and up / additional purchase

The impending death of King Edward and the violent usurping of the crown by the Duke of Nothumberlad are causing waves that are being felt all over England. Young Iris Bentham is orphaned when her parents, loayal to Edward's crown, are arrested and executed and her home is turned over to Northumberland. Alone she finds herself embroiled in treachery as she agrees to be trained as a spy for the princess Elizabeth to restore the crown; it is a world of royal intrigue, secrets, lies, murder, and revenge. Sharing not only the princess's spirit but her red hair, fair skin, and looks, Iris is used as a decoy for the real princess on a trip that ends up seeing her flee through the countryside pursued by murderers. In this coming of age story Iris learns what it means to be royal, free, the meaning of home, the importance of people you love, and knowing yourself.

The author is clearly an expert on the subject of Tudor history; successfully introducing a new plot and new characters alongside factual events and historical figures. While similar to the Royal Diaries title, "Elizabeth I: Red Rose of Tudor", in its presentation of daily life and royal politics, "The Counterfeit Princess" focuses more on the life of female laborers and those that work for royalty. Iris's jobs as a spy include egg girl, cook's assistant, scullery maid, and finally princess decoy. So caught up in her small but important roles, much of the action and work is done off-pages by other characters, and the reader learns about it the same time as Iris, when someone tells her. A rather frustrating narrative; one that suggests action is impending, but then ultimately fails to deliver and just describes what happened now that everyone is safe. I fiound myself feeling bad for her, but bored by her story. It wasn't until the final portion of the book and the introduction of a possible love-interest and the time that the story really focused on her actions that I was really interested in the charcters and story development.

Those interested in this historical period may enjoy this tale and its historical characters. Readers new to the setting may be lost by the number of people, titles of royalty, religious involvement, and the more mundane details of life as a female laborer.

Although much violence is mentioned as happening outside of the protagonist's experience, there is very little graphic description. However, as part of Iris's life as a laborer, her body is treated to rough fondling by men against her will. While the books doesn't develop the differences in treatments among gender, it does look at the differences in the quality of life within the classes during this historical period.

This book might serve as additional fun reading for those interested in the time period or for readers who like some facts and realism to their princess tales, but lacks the excitement or fullness of story to interest many readers.

The World of Eldeterra: The Dragon Conspiracy by P.R. Moredun Ages 11 and up / not recommended

In 1895 a series of grisly murders involving pregnant women and unrecognizable, inhuman corpses leads Policeman Corrick on a journey to another world to stop a monstrous dragon factory. In 1910, as European countries are posing for war, a young man finds himself transported to a magical world he is fated to save with the help of 2 dwarves, a talking bear, and a taking hound. The two stories are told simultaneously until the mystery of their connection is revealed and a German warship and British army find themselves battling dragons and strange creatures in order to save their own world from the dragons' plot to return to their exiled land of Eldaterra and take over Earth.

The storylines play out at the same time but are completely different, while one is a gruesome murder mystery, the other attempts to be a classic fantasy. Younger, or less advanced readers, may have a difficult time with this method of storytelling if unable to keep names and actions straight, they may well lose interest in the story or become frustrated. Older or advanced readers will probably be able to follow along, but may be annoyed with a cliche cast of characters that are never really developed, unrealistic situations - even for fantasy, and inconsistent storytelling.

Readers expecting a more traditional dragon fantasy like Eragon, The Hobbit, or The Dragonlance Series may want to look elsewhere. While the dragons' plots are central to the story, the dragons do not appear and their scheme isn't revealed until end of the book and are then shown first in a women's social club setting that reminds me of the gathering of witches in Dahl's "The Witches". The action involving the dragons is cruel, intense, and bloody - showing the meaner side of dragons.

The story is grounded into its place in history, the late 1890s and 1910. Europe is on the brink of war and the two leading nationalities are involved in this story as cliches of themselves. While the Britsh are shown to be thorough and noble if a bit too stuck on traditions, the Germans are presented as primarily evil, with the military conspiring with the dragons to take over the world and German scientists found in Eldeterra maiming and torturing its inhabitants in the name of progress in medical experiements similar to what was found later in the concentration camps. It is worth noting that, while the author may have originally developed the story in this setting to interst his children in history, I have a hard time imagining this story influencng mmuch research after reading. However there is certainly going to be another story to follow and given some of the final clues, I imagine the next story will follow Germany and the rise of the Nazis.

The book is eye-catching enough, although the red lettering on the cover is a bit difficult to read, the embellishing flourishes on the dustcover and beginning page of each chapter are pretty. The cover also features a strange looking dragon. Upon removing the dust cover, and reading the book, it is clear that it is a picture of a dragon fetus, submerged in briny liquid, floating in a specimen jar. Clearly an argument for not removing the dust cover can be made.

What I'm Watching: The weather has really sucked lately. Going from warm and rainy and foggy, to cold and snowy, now to cold, icy, and rainy. Bleeeech! What this means is that every time we zip over to the video store there is crap on the shelves because everyone else is watching movies right now. So, unable to find much interesting I've been revisiting those shelves in Reel to Real that just don't get enough attention: The British Comedies.

We went on a Mr. Bean kick for a little while (Allegra loves him, go figure) and rather enjoyed the animated Mr. Bean series quite a lot.

And Jay and I have been going through our favorite Monty Pythons - perfect for this weather.

I introduced Jay to one of my favorite films, Cold Comfort Farm.

And Allegra and I have gone on a bit of a Dr. Who marathon - such fun!

Oh no you di'nt!